In today's world, depression sits alongside other lifestyle ailments such as diabetes and cholesterol. But unlike the latter two, 'depression' comes through as personal and socially unacceptable weakness.
Rosa (not her real name) was raised in a happy household surrounded by a family who adored her. She had an infectious laugh, loved to sing and often danced for hours in her room to an audience of cabbage patch dolls and posters of rock and pop stars.
Whenever things became a little too tough, Rosa found solace in a song. Rosa was everyone’s shoulder to cry on. You could depend on Rosa for a solution or to take charge.
She was the one to go to for advice. At work, Rosa couldn’t bring herself to delegate tasks because every time she did, it would not get done to “perfection”.
No one asked her how she felt or how her day had been because Rosa was always chirpy, smiling and laughing. She made others feel good, comfortable and secure.
Rosa appeared, to most, to love her life.
As expectations of her began to mount, Rosa became compulsive and pushed herself to get to where she thought she needed to be – according to the people around her.
She wanted to do more for them and wanted more for herself, but “perfection” was impossible to attain.
Suicide attempt
Then one warm evening in June, Rosa went up to her room, tied a cord to a window grille, climbed on a stool, slipped her head through the noose and threw her slight and petite frame off the pedestal.
She was 27 years old.
Rosa, however, did not die. Life, it seems, hadn’t had its fill of her yet. She survived her suicide attempt when the grille miraculously snapped.
Reflecting on that moment, Rosa said: “I realised I didn’t want to die when I stepped off the stool… I knew it was a mistake. Perhaps I have divine intervention to thank.”
Now at the mirror image age of 41, Rosa admits that she likes the reflection that looks back at her now. But it’s taken a while for her to get here.
“I didn’t know that there was something wrong with me then but I knew I was depressed and stressed.
“Who isn’t? I thought seeking help would make me sound like a whiner and speaking to a psychiatrist or psychologist would make me feel like I’m insane.
“Because I didn’t want to fall in either category, I thought ending my life would be the best solution.
“But the moment I stepped off the stool, I knew I made a mistake and wanted to live,” she recollects.
Counselling sessions
After the incident, Rosa remembers bursting into tears and realising that she needed help.
Not knowing where to go to in terms of getting professional assistance, Rosa sought comfort in a religious foundation that referred her to a counsellor.
For her own safety, they put her up in a secure home that was run by a member of the foundation and would attend counselling sessions three times a week.
“I wasn’t looking forward to my sessions with the psychologist. I didn’t feel comfortable having a stranger ask me questions.
“The thought of speaking to someone about what I was thinking or feeling came with a lot of guilt.
“I would chide myself for being ‘ungrateful’ – how could I tell a stranger I felt lousy because I was depended on so much.
“I felt I was betraying my friends and family who counted on me to help them,” she said, shaking her head and smiling wryly at the thought.
Bipolar Disorder
The sessions proved to be more than an eye-opener for Rosa. With the help of a doctor, Rosa discovered that she had Bipolar Disorder
1.(Medicine.net.com website describes Bipolar Disorder as a mood disorder that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation or mania. People who suffer from Bipolar Disorder 1, it notes, have experienced depression and at least one episode of severe mania. Severe mania characteristically causes significant distress or greatly impairs one’s work, family, or social life.)
“In a strange way, I was relieved to find out that there was something wrong with me… that there was a reason behind my actions.
“I wasn’t well and didn’t know it.
“I had to take medication as well. Although I didn’t want to take it, the thought of getting better and the possibilities that lay ahead helped me literally swallow the bitter pill,” she said with a smile.
When asked her views about the recent spate of suicides reported in the local dailies, Rosa proffers:
“Like me, many others will tell you that not all people who commit suicide know there’s a way out of whatever problems they’re facing.
“When I attended group therapy, I met many others who had attempted suicide… and they looked ordinary.
“They didn’t look any more depressed than anyone else on the outside.
“What I’m saying is, I could understand why they were here. From the way they spoke, I wouldn’t have known that they were suicidal had I met them away from the group.”
Real problem
Rosa adds that therapy, while difficult, helped her realise that depression is a very real problem with the ability to creep up on anyone unexpectedly.
“Before you know it, you’re standing on a ledge waiting to jump, or holding a blade in your wrist ready for to make the cut and check out from life permanently,” she said, touching the faint scar on her neck left behind by the rope.
She shuddered for a moment and adds: “I tried to commit suicide because I felt so tired of being depended on and not have anyone appreciate me.
“I didn’t know how to speak my mind and was always afraid of offending people. Someone reading this might think it’s a stupid reason to want to take my own life – but live the way I did with the responsibilities I had and it will get to you someday.
“Asking for help and getting it may seem tedious, but each of us is worth it.
“If someone had told me then, ‘no problem is too big that it cannot be overcome and solved’, it would have made me very angry with them for spewing advice without knowing what I was going through.
“But I know now that this is true. It took an attempt at dying for me to learn how to live,” she said.
