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7 bedroom disasters and how to cope

July 22, 2012

Your guide to surviving the worst bits of sex.

FEATURE

Anything that involves getting naked and exerting yourself is, at some point, bound to end in disaster, and eventually you may find yourself in bed faced with a tricky situation.

To make sure you can cope and battle the red-faced shame of your bedroom disaster read this guide on surviving the worst bits of sex.

Injury

Ever heard of the cat that got curious and swiped his owner’s you-know-what or the woman who had such vigorous sex in a hotel room she brought down the light fitting and cut her face and head?  Sex injuries are common and are likely to be painful and humiliating.

How to cope: In this bedroom disaster use the following motto: if you’re injured you’re out. Save further embarrassment and confess you’re in pain. Get some medical help and never talk about the time you got stuck or cut or broken during sex ever, ever again

The bottom burp

The all-time number one bedroom disaster has to be passing wind when you’re having sex. Not only does it ruin the romantic mood it makes you seem about as attractive as a pigeon or a guy who is so drunk that he thinks his garden hose is a huge anaconda that’s escaped from the zoo.

How to cope: If you’ve committed the cardinal sin and let rip in bed, you need to act fast. Check they’ve heard you first; if they haven’t keep going and if they have, don’t blame it on the dog, just own up, laugh it off and if they leave then it’s their loss.

Stage fright

They’ve stripped down to their underwear and are showing off their tightly toned abs, looking at you expectantly. Now it’s your turn, but suddenly you’re all too aware of that flabby tummy. You’re so shy about getting naked you start to plot your escape route out of the room and actually consider free-falling out of their bedroom window to the safety of the street below.

How to cope: If it’s got this far and you’ve actually managed to get someone into bed with you then remember, they must find you attractive. You should just admit that you’re a little shy and when you do the deed make sure you work on your body confidence.

Bad hair day

We’ve all had that terrible Bridget Jones moment when we realise we haven’t de-haired or we’ve got those terrible, never-for-anyone-else’s eyes underwear on. If you bare all could they forgive you? Would they ever find you hot again? Or will you end up as an embarrassing anecdote they tell their friends after one too many?

How to cope: Excuse yourself and make a quick exit to the bathroom to de-underwear and de-hair. Try to make this move sexy by slipping into something sexier whilst in the bathroom or grabbing some massage oils. Also make sure you leave them entertained with some music and instructions on what they should get up to when you’re gone.

Can’t hit the high notes

Hitting the high notes and reaching that orgasm high is an elusive dream for a lot of us. Did you know that as many as 80 per cent of women struggle to orgasm through sex? Although not being able to come is a problem associated with women it can happen to guys too.

How to cope: The worst thing you can do if you can’t orgasm is fake it. Instead reassure your bedroom buddy that it’s not them. These things do happen. To make sure it doesn’t happen again though de-stress, cut out the junk food and ask yourself if you like the person you’re sleeping with.

You laugh

Possibly one of the worst things you can do in bed is laugh. Not only does it humiliate the other person, it makes you look odd and will inevitably always lead to you being kicked out of bed. But, let’s face it; sex is funny. The weird faces, the strange sounds and the quirky habits all mean giggling is a part of getting it on.

How to cope: The best way to survive this sex mistake is to apologise and explain that you’re nervous. Then try to compliment the guy or girl you’re sleeping with a lot to reassure them that they are not terrible in bed.

You can’t get it up

Guys are haunted by the idea that one day it will be them. They will be that man who couldn’t get it up. And yet it’s a pretty common problem. There are between 15 million and 30 million men who have erectile problems or difficulties, so don’t think you’re alone if suddenly you can’t get it up.

How to cope: Blame it on alcohol or stress at work and see if they want to snuggle instead? By the morning you may be ready to give it another go. Once you or your girl leaves, try to unwind and relax more, get fitter, eat better food and, if the problem continues, see your doctor.

LINKS

7 ways to boost your confidence in bed

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