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How to last as a couple

 | November 24, 2013

An expert on the subconscious gives some down-to-earth advice.


When your grandparents and your parents married, the chances of them staying together were far greater than the chances you have staying with your partner. Sorry for the bearer of such negative news. Today we are seeing fewer marriages, fewer births, an increase in divorce rates, an increase in second marriages and more stay-together relationships.

People today are just not expected to stay together for very long. Whether that has to do with the breakdown of family values or the simple fact that the world is transforming, relationships don’t work like they used to.

There is no cookie-cutter answer to any of your relationship woes, but it is still important that men and woman know the basics of how to coexist in a relationship.

Dealing with any type of relationship

1. Never have expectations of anyone else. When you have expectations of other people, you are attempting to read their minds. But you can’t.

Each time you set up some expectation of someone else, you are gearing up for disappointment over his or her behaviour.

Many couples always complain that there are so many differences between them. Wow, really? Didn’t you know that already? Human beings look alike but every single person is different from the eight billion other peope out there in his or her responses. There is no perfect partner, and harping for changes to perfect your relationship is going to be disastrous.

2. Stop arguing and defending your beliefs and values. Arguments will involve your beliefs and values. Remember to ask yourself this question before an argument begins: “Is my relationship with that person worth damaging over this issue?” If it’s not, don’t argue.

Imagine you and your partner are in a glass room called Relationship. If you throw stones or she throws stones, the glass might crack over time or even get smashed. Then the room is destroyed and it’s time to step out.

So stop throwing stones in your relationships.

3. Another person’s language is owned by him or her, not you. Don’t get too upset, defensive or angry by what other people say to you. Remember this: they have made up words inside their heads and then spoken them. Since they were the ones who manufactured those words, they, not you, are their owners. Those words represent their beliefs, not yours. So stop listening to negative words that are owned by other people.

Buddha summed it up wonderfully in a response to an angry man. The man abused Buddha and Buddha asked him this question: “If someone came to your home and gave you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?”

Likewise, if you don’t allow them to affect you, their words still belong to them.

4. Everyone forms habits. What habits do you have that block communication in your relationships?

Falling in love with a person is easy but living with that person is reality. Many of your subconscious habits may get in the way. Your untidiness—leaving dishes unwashed in the sink or the ash from your cigarette in the bathroom or your underwear hanging behind the door—might bring resentment to your partner in a hurry.

Be aware of your habits and listen to your partner when he or she is pointing them out to you. Consider: “Is my relationship with that person worth damaging over this habit?” If it’s not, don’t argue about it and do your best to curb it.

In marriage, there is the wedding ring. It symbolises both the suffering and the offering that comes with the bonding. The “offering” are the sacrifices, the volunteering, the efforts to maintain the relationship.

Good habits and communication always maintain the peace in any relationship.

Helping relationships using hypnosis

In using hypnosis to assess relationships and counsel couples, the approach is different from what we have discussed. Here the focus is on the conditioned emotional memory that responds to actions.

Most people know that opposites attract. But most people do not know that it is this same oppositeness that can lead to the breakup of marriages.

Good relationships can be the result of good sex, good communication and good financial practices. Relationship counseling mostly deals with sex and communication issues.

Of the two basic hypnotic personalities I will discuss below, the Physically Suggestible or Physically Sexual person generally does not manage money very well. The Emotional Suggestible or Emotionally Sexual is usually the one who manages his or her finances quite well.

Suggestibility and sexuality

Humans possess two basic hypnotic personality characteristics: suggestibility and sexuality. This means that we are all suggestible and we’re all sexual beings.

Suggestibility is the result of our learning as we interact with our environment. It comes from our primary caretaker, usually our mother.

Our sexuality comes from our secondary caretaker, usually our father.

Within each of these characteristics, we have many encounters and variations of Physical and Emotional Suggestibility and Physical and Emotional Sexuality.

Physical and Emotional people are completely opposite in their communication styles.

Emotionals communicate their feelings through their actions. They believe that feelings and actions speak louder than words, and they live by that rule.

Physicals, on the other hand, believe that words are the key to communication. They say what they feel, often without thinking. What another person does doesn’t mean much to Physicals. It is what the other person says that is important to them.

When the Emotional person doesn’t say how he or she feels toward the Physical, the Physical person interprets that as a rejection. The Emotional person cannot understand why the Physical person reacts that way.

The Physical person has to explain everything in detail, whereas the Emotional person prefers to get straight to the point.

From love to chaos

In the beginning of their relationship, it was through their communication that the Physical and the Emotional got attracted to each another. Each thought they agreed on everything, such as values, morals, and what each wanted and didn’t want in a relationship.

They both seemed to be on the same wavelength. But the words they both spoke meant entirely different things to each other. They simply glossed over or ignored the differing interpretations. The chemistry between them allowed them to be mutually forgiving of the minor faults they saw in each other.

But when the newness wore off, reality began to set in. Communication began to be more difficult. It seemed that one spoke English and the other Martian. What happened?

The source of the conflict is in the way the Emotional and Physical subconsciously process information.

Statistics reveal that problems with communication and with sex cause a high percentage of all relationship breakups, with much resulting from financial disagreements.

Dealing with couple therapy in hypnosis helps both partners relieve some of the past emotional energy and resentment to allow romance and trust and motivation to tolerate and liberate each other in that relationship. Also, counseling, financial advice and spiritual empowerment are important in making relationships grow.

Just remember that having a relationship is more than saying “I love you.” Love is a decision. It is a decision to work as a team and a mission of mutual support and communication. Honesty, trust and prayers are important ingredients in pushing relationships forward. So keep the peace and spread the love. I wish you success.

Julian Leicester is a London-trained subconscious specialist, a hypnotherapist, a columnist and the author of several books. He can be contacted at julianleicester@gmail.com or www.hypno-station.com


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