FMT LETTER: From Kik Odin Tajue, via e-mail
I have been watching Bolehland a.k.a. Malaysia from my eyrie, more than a thousand kilometres away. The religion-soiled sight was disgusting. And I decided to seek enlightenment.
Those before me who had sought the same thing had gone to the parts of riverbanks near fords, to quiet riverbanks, to the tops of mountains, to the feet of trees, to caves. I wanted something different.
The bottom of the Mariana Trench would have been nice, but the water pressure would have crushed me into paté non gras long before I could experience the revelation. So that was out. I then decided on seeking it at the top of a tree. But it had to be a very tall tree.
Google pointed me to a very tall tree nearest to me. It was in Sabah. Standing at close to 100m/300ft high, it is one of the 10 tallest in the world. Perfect.
I left my strapping, massive four-legged teenagers in trusted hands, and flew to Sabah. There, I got myself elevated by a helicopter to the canopy of the tree. I then settled down on a thick branch to meditate.
On the 40th day, I got the biggest shock of my life. Somewhere above me there came a flash of light so bright and an explosion so loud that it rivalled the Big Bang.
“What are you doing down there, you twit?” a stentorian, sexless voice said.
I was still so shocked that I could not respond. But even if I were in my normal state, I would not have been able to, because I was too weak even to speak. Remember, I hadn’t consumed any victuals over the previous 39 days. It was a wonder that I was even still breathing.
“No need to answer Us,” the voice continued. “We can read your mind as if it’s an open book. You want to know why there are problems among the followers of various religions.
“And if that isn’t bad enough, even the followers of the same one religion have been oppressing and slaughtering or, at least, condemning each other, right?”
I could only nod my head.
“You Earthlings are all twits. We have revealed to you the best, truest religion first.”
“You . . . have?” I said, speaking mentally, of course.
“Yes, We have. First We did it through the Chinaman called Kong Zi. That was some 2,500 years ago. Next We revealed it through that Hebrew carpenter’s son, Jesus. That was some 1,980 years ago.
“Still no one listened. Instead, very many of you tried to be clever. Some of you have even put words in Our mouth. Disgusting creatures many of you lot have been. So We left you twits to your devices.”
I was sure I saw the light. And I managed to stutter in a voice that was hardly audible even to myself, “You don’t mean . . . ?”
“Yes, We do mean that. It is the best, truest religion you can ever hope for. Doubtless, it has a very long name. But you don’t need any houses of worship. You don’t need to practise any rituals.
“You don’t need any so-called holy books to print and read. You don’t need any so-called holy men and religious leaders to confuse and mislead you with their hare-brained interpretations of the contents of those books.
“Better still, you won’t need to part with some of your hard-earned money to pay such people to bamboozle you. You see, the best solution is always the simplest. And you can’t find any religion simpler than that. Right?”
“Yes, my Lord.”
“Don’t call Us ‘Lord’. Lords are males. We are sexless.”
“That’s better. Now to your question.”
“When I announce this to my fellow-Earthlings,” I said, still speaking mentally, “is it all right if I don’t claim myself a prophet? Doing that would be ostentatious.”
“Of course it is all right. Why would you want to call yourself a prophet, anyway? Do you know the real meaning of ‘prophet’?”
“Yes, Sexless. ‘Seer’.”
“Correct! And what exactly does ‘seer’ mean?”
“‘Illusionist’, ‘chiromancer’, ‘clairvoyant’, ‘diviner’, ‘fortune teller’, ‘medium’, ‘mystic’, ‘palmist’, ‘soothsayer’”
“Correct!” Sexless cut in. “You wouldn’t want to be seen as any of those, would you?”
“Of course you wouldn’t. Now We’re off. Don’t forget to eat something as soon as you get down there. Man cannot live on Our words alone, you know?”
“I will remember to.”
Immediately, there came another horrendously loud explosion and super-dazzling light. And then there was total silence.
The religion is indeed the best. It is utter simplicity. And it has only one commandment, which only idiots would not be able to remember.
Because the commandment is the same as the lengthy name of the religion. The name of the religion is Do To Others As You Would Them Do To You.
Those who have brains, let them comprehend.