So you and your partner have both decided to get a divorce. Have either of you thought about how you will break the news to your kids?
If separation and divorce are difficult and confusing for parents, it is even more so for a child. According to the Malaysian Mental Health Association, divorce can inflict psychological distress on children.
Younger children might manifest their anxiety by bedwetting, throwing tantrums, or refusing to go to school. Older children could act out by becoming more independent, aggressive, or even rebellious.
With this in mind, here are suggestions on how you can discuss divorce with your young ones of different ages.
Babies/toddlers
With limited cognitive capability, children of this age may observe their parents not getting along without understanding why. One minute the child is living in a nuclear unit; the next, they find themselves being shuttled between two households.
Expect temper tantrums when letting your child sleep at the other party’s house. Help ease the transition by allowing them to bring along their favourite blanket or toy for a sense of familiarity.
To limit confusion, each parent should also try to establish similar routines in both households.
They may not fully understand, but a mum could say: “Daddy will be moving to a different house tomorrow. I know you will miss him, which is why you will have a sleepover with him this weekend. You can bring your favourite toy along with you.
“Mummy will see you again as soon as you’ve had your breakfast on Monday.”
Preschoolers
Preschoolers may be able to express themselves better but will still have problems processing the situation. A curious child may ask why one parent isn’t home yet, or why one parent isn’t present at a family event.
Be prepared for difficult questions, and keep answers as short and precise as possible.
They may also experience separation anxiety and regress by constantly waking up at night or going back to their bottle. Talk to your child often, especially if there is a change in behaviour since they may be emotionally overwhelmed.
Start by saying: “You will see Mummy and Daddy on different days and at different homes. You may miss Daddy when you’re with me, but you’ll still be able to see him. You will have your own room but still go to the same school.
“The best thing is, having two homes means you will have twice the fun!”
Primary schoolchildren
Divorce is a big word for school-aged children. They may look like they’re coping well, but they may be facing internal conflicts of their own.
A child may become overly attached to a parent, thinking they should pick sides. Avoid finger pointing and let your child know the decision was mutual. Reassure them if you notice they are having a difficult time.
You could explain it with: “Mummy and Daddy will no longer be together and will not be staying in the same house anymore. We know it makes you sad when you see us fight. Sometimes, it’s best for two people to live apart.
“We will always love you regardless of where Mummy and Daddy are.”
Teenagers
Teens will obviously have a better grasp on divorce. They may have already expected it and might even have confided in their peers before you even speak to them about it.
Either way, divorce would still be hard to deal with. Ensure your teen has a support system so they have someone to confide in when needed. Let them know you have their best interests at heart, and give them the space to express their feelings.
You could say: “You may be aware that Mum and Dad aren’t getting along well. We’ve decided that going our separate ways would be best for all of us. You may or may not be happy with how things will change.
“If you feel this is too much, and you’re afraid to talk to us, please know you can always talk to Grandma or Uncle instead.”
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This article was written by Nadia Azhar for makchic, a Malaysian-based online site for chic, curious, and spirited parents. makchic has been providing trustworthy and authentic family-related content since 2013. For diverse stories of parenthood that inform, support, and uplift all families, visit makchic.com and follow them on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.