Have you ever been disappointed by the behaviour of a relative or friend and wanted them to change to meet your expectations? If so, there’s a solution, and it’s not about changing them.
Instead, it can be summed up in two words: “Let them.” In short, whenever someone doesn’t behave the way you want them to, it’s important to recognise you need to let them be who they are or do what they want.
This theory was popularised by celebrity coach and podcast host Mel Robbins, who explains on TikTok: “If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person you’re attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them.
“So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”
With this concept, Robbins touts the benefits that can be achieved from letting those around us reveal who they are, “and then you get to choose what you do next”. To date, the video has racked up over 1.4 million likes.
Whether it’s a friend or a partner, the “let them” method could help you not only accept those around you, but also to accept yourself. It’s a kind of emotional balm.
Clinical psychologist and mental health expert Dr Sophie Mort has weighed in on the theory. “We often feel the urge to control or persuade people to be who we want them to be, in part because we think that is the right thing to do, and in part because we want to manage our own anxiety and uncertainty that arises around other people’s behaviour,” she pointed out.
“The issue is, when we try to shape other people’s behavior, we often end up disappointed, frustrated and exhausted.”
In reality, the “let them” theory is not so new. Although not clinically recognised in the medical field, it is based on existing psychological theories, as Mort explains to “Glamour UK”.
Indeed, it draws its precepts from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), which is based on “ideas of acceptance, detachment, mindfulness and personal responsibility”. ACT is recognised for helping patients accept their thoughts and feelings without judgement.
Nevertheless, on a daily basis, we’re faced with complex situations, where the “let them” theory may not work in our favour. Robbins makes it clear that the approach isn’t an invitation for people to walk all over you or others, and shouldn’t apply when it comes to standing up for your rights.
“If you see something dangerous or discriminatory happening, speak up and take control of the situation,” she added.