Communication between partners is essential if a relationship is to endure. While some people manage to talk things over without arguing, others find avoiding conflict more challenging.
To improve in this area, the “3-2-1 method” is a simple technique that takes just six minutes of your time. That’s why it’s also known as the “6-minute method” – and it asks partners to communicate every day for six minutes with sincerity and focus.
“The three keys to communication are speaking openly, listening empathically, and reflecting back,” psychologist Lawrence J Cohen explained, writing on the subject for Psychology Today.
The method is divided into three phases: the first involves sharing your feelings and state of mind with your partner for three minutes. During this time, the partner simply listens without interrupting.
Once this time has elapsed, it’s the partner’s turn to express themselves for two minutes by reacting to what has been said. This time is essential for your partner to tell you what they have understood from what you’ve said, without judgement.
The last minute is used by the initial speaker to react to their partner’s comments and reflections. The last minute can be used, for example, to thank your partner for having listened to your problems, or to clarify a point that was misunderstood, all without moving on to another subject.
The roles can then be reversed to give the person who listened the opportunity to speak in turn. This exercise allows partners to really listen to each other and take the time to understand each other.
“I find this technique very interesting – in particular, the fact that you can speak without ever being interrupted,” said psychologist Amélie Boukhobza. “There’s real listening in a limited time, which allows you to really think.”
The limited response time also means you don’t get lost in a back-and-forth of knee-jerk reactions, which could foster tensions rather than defuse them. For the specialist, this method can be effective if the subject isn’t too sensitive, and if you take the time to think before speaking.
In fact, it’s not uncommon for a couple’s discussions to end in mutual incomprehension due to a lack of real, thoughtful listening. We often just repeat ourselves, or shout to make ourselves heard – so devoting a few minutes to talking in turns for a short time can encourage dialogue and mutual satisfaction.
“After 3-2-1, the hope is that problem-solving conversations and conflict resolution can be much smoother and more effective, because of how you’ve practised speaking and listening to one another,” Cohen wrote.
Nevertheless, it’s a technique that needs to be tried and repeated several times for it to bear fruit, according to the psychologist. “One or both partners may need some practice – or a lot of practice – before they can reflect accurately without interpretations, emotional reactions, or arguments.”