The Netflix miniseries “One Day”, based on the book of the same name by David Nicholls, tells the story, over two decades, of two young people who meet at university.
Although they consider themselves friends, Emma and Dexter come to realise that the ties that bind them are far more ambiguous than they appear. Dating experts see this fictional relationship as an example of what’s commonly known as a “backburner relationship”.
This concept was first mentioned in a study, published in the scientific journal Computers in Human Behavior, to describe a “desired potential or continuing romantic/sexual partner with whom one communicates, but to whom one is not exclusively committed”.
Social networks may have a lot to do with this phenomenon: it’s extremely easy to keep in touch with someone you’ve lost sight of for years, or never even met in real life. It’s also no longer unusual to hear that a couple met on platforms such as Instagram or Tinder.
Nevertheless, digital love doesn’t always follow the same rules as “real-world” love. Some internet users deliberately keep things vague with the people they chat to online, whether about their romantic status and/or their real intentions.
Relationships that are kept “on the backburner” form part of this, keeping the other person hanging on for a possible happy ending that might come one day. But this kind of waiting game and endless anticipation is often difficult for the person experiencing it.
“Backburner relationships can cause emotional distress to those involved, leading to the partner on the receiving end feeling neglected, insecure or used,” psychologist Jade Thomas told Glamour UK.
Furthermore, the prospect of a romantic relationship with the person who has you on the backburner could prevent you from meeting a partner who’s readily available.
To avoid this kind of situation, it’s important to talk openly with your partner about expectations from the beginning, and favour relationships that are based on mutual respect and commitment.
After all, nobody likes to be kept waiting – except, perhaps, the characters in Netflix romantic comedies.