What if your position in the family influenced your romantic choices? According to the “birth order theory”, now trending on TikTok, your role in your family could influence your personality and, consequently, your love life in terms of compatibility – whether you’re an only child, or the oldest, middle or youngest.
The idea that birth order affects personality dates back to the 1900s. The concept was theorised by Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler, who argued that where you are in the birth order can influence your personality, relationships, and even your career.
Today, with more research, experts have determined certain behavioural traits according to birth order. Annie Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist, acknowledged in Business Insider that “birth order can influence personality traits and relationship dynamics”, including the qualities you look for in a partner.
“There are so many different family variables that occur with a firstborn versus a younger born, including hypervigilance of the parents or the prioritisation of resources for the firstborn,” she said.
Notable characteristics include the fact that firstborns often develop leadership qualities and perfectionism owing to their status as role models. According to Chance Marshall, a therapist interviewed by Cosmopolitan UK, “they might feel pressure to excel and be role models for their younger siblings, or feel resentful and act out”.
As a result, in their romantic relationships, firstborn children tend to be organised and be expert planners, which can be practical but also problematic if they’re constantly trying to control everything.
Only children can share common traits with firstborns, such as coping with the weight of parental expectations, albeit without the sibling rivalry. As a result, they are less competitive and more emotionally independent, having spent more time alone as children or in the company of adults.
As for middle children, they often play the role of mediator between their siblings and their parents. Their personality traits include diplomacy, empathy and a desire for fairness.
However, Marshall argued that “they might feel squeezed between the expectations placed on the firstborn and the relative freedom of the youngest”. They could also seek attention in ways such as pleasing others or avoiding conflict within romantic relationships.
Nevertheless, Wright qualified the theory by noting that “we can’t speak in absolutes, whether it’s talking about who you are because of your astrological sign or who you are because of your birth order”.
Marshall, meanwhile, observed that the current interest in birth order theory is part of “a part of a massive wave to overpathologise everyday human experiences”, according to Cosmopolitan UK.
“While it’s essential to acknowledge and address why we are how we are, we can reduce complex emotions, personalities, psyches and relational dynamics to mere disorders or theories,” he added.
“By turning ordinary struggles into diagnoses or ‘categories’, we run the risk of oversimplifying the intricacies of the human psyche and inadvertently discouraging self-reflection and personal growth.”