With bullying in schools having dominated the headlines recently, parents need to safeguard their children’s mental health and teach them how to respond effectively to the threat of bullying.

Soberingly, a nationwide Children4Change survey from 2018 showed that:

• eight out of 10 children have encountered bullying in schools;
• 70% of children surveyed said they had witnessed a peer being made fun of because of the way they looked, dressed, or walked; and
• 64% admitted to participating or possibly participating in acts of bullying.

In June, 10 teens were held after a bullying case in a boarding school. The following month, seven girls were arrested for bullying at an Inanam school. And last month, a student alleged to have had her hair cut by classmates at a Mara Junior Science College in Kuantan.

The education ministry has even embarked on a complaints portal to strengthen efforts to curb incidences of bullying. In light of all this, what can parents do? Here are some tips:

1. Encourage open dialogue

Prevention begins with education. Before any harm takes place, talk to your child about what constitutes bullying and the danger signs they should look out for. Point out examples in books or the media to help them understand the distinction between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

Be present in your child’s life and be aware of changes in their personality, social circles, or day-to-day activities. Don’t be afraid of asking them if they’ve experienced being bullied or witnessed it happening to someone else. Honest questions trigger honest conversations, which in turn builds trust between you and your child.

Sharing your personal stories, if you’ve encountered similar struggles, can also reassure your child they’re not alone.

2. Adopt a strategy

If your child is the target of a bully, enlighten them first as to the possible root causes behind the bullying. Often, bullying stems from a person’s insecurities, resulting in a desire for power over others.

Reassure your child that the problem lies not in their perceived inadequacies, but rather in the person perpetrating the bullying.

Teach your child:

• not to believe the worst in themselves: Help your kids to challenge the negativity they’re faced with by reminding them of their positive attributes.
• how to diffuse a situation: Roleplay scenarios to empower them to stand up to their bullies. Teach them not to reward their antagonist with tears or aggression, but instead to respond calmly and authoritatively. A simple but strong “leave me alone” or “back off” – or choosing not to rise to the taunt but to walk away confidently – can strip a bully of their power.
• how to seek help: Your child should know the avenues available to them to stop threatening or intimidating behaviour. You could accompany them to make a report with a teacher or the principal. Make sure to understand the school’s bullying policies, and keep a record of any complaints made. Also, follow up closely with the school to ensure appropriate measures are taken.

If your child is struggling to deal with the trauma of their bullying, perhaps suggest they speak with a counsellor, who could aid their healing process.

3. Rebuild your child’s confidence

Encourage your child’s strengths when their self-esteem has taken a beating. Enrol them in extracurricular activities that play to their interests to help boost their self-confidence again. Your child will also develop an increased sense of belonging and community via social activities with new friends they meet through these programmes.

What if your child is the bully?

It’s never easy for any parent to discover their child is the perpetrator of bullying behaviour. It’s crucial, however, that you deal with this right away before matters escalate. Here’s how you can help:

1. Understand the deeper cause

Don’t automatically label your child as “bad”. Realise instead that there might be underlying reasons behind why your child is acting out.

Some bully from a place of insecurity, or a desire to fit in. Others simply haven’t learnt how to handle complex emotions such as anger, or how to resolve conflicts healthily. Some children also bully as a cry for attention, or as a way of reclaiming control over their own lives.

Consider journeying with your child through professional counselling or therapy, which could unearth deep-seated issues. Encourage positive ways of working through their emotions.

Discuss scenarios that might trigger your child, and propose alternative ways of reacting. Hone their empathy by helping them see things from the other person’s perspective. Teach them how to celebrate, and not condemn, differences.

Help your kids realise how and why their actions might have been hurtful, and encourage them to seek amends from the people they’ve been in conflict with.

2. Take firm measures to stop the bullying

Establish a firm zero-tolerance policy towards bullying, and be consistent and intentional in carrying out disciplinary measures. If, for instance, your child is involved in cyberbullying, consider taking away their internet privileges for a while to impress upon them the gravity of their actions.

Take bullying seriously, and let your kids know that there will be definite consequences – whether at home, at school, or within the community – if this behaviour continues.

3. Set an example at home

Children learn by example, so make sure you’re creating a healthy environment at home. How you speak and act, your views about the world, and the way you handle conflict serve as templates for your child.

Be positive in your interactions with family and those around you. Get rid of unhealthy behaviours such as name calling, race- or gender-based biases, or physical and verbal expressions of anger. Replace these instead with tolerance, empathy, and respect for your kids to follow suit.

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This article was written by Kimberly Lee for makchic, a Malaysian-based online site for chic, curious, and spirited parents. makchic and has been providing trustworthy and authentic family-related content since 2013. For diverse stories of parenthood that inform, support, and uplift all families, visit makchic.com and follow them on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.