She had scored 4 As, 4 Bs and 1 D, a result many would consider respectable. But what followed was not celebration.
In a now-viral post, the teenager poured out her heartbreak. She wrote that she felt she had let her parents down to the point where her mother “didn’t even want to see” her.
According to clinical psychologist Evelyn Ngui, this kind of emotional response is far from uncommon. It reflects a deeper pattern in how many students internalise expectations, she said, often tying their sense of worth and belonging to academic performance.
“During major examinations such as SPM, these expectations often intensify. Children may feel that their worth as a person, and their parents’ love and approval, are contingent upon their results,” Ngui told FMT Lifestyle.
“The pressure to perform is not merely about grades; it is about belonging, acceptance, and identity,” she added.
At the heart of it, Ngui observed, is a dangerous mindset many students adopt: “I must achieve top scores, and if possible, outperform others.” It sounds like motivation but, according to Ngui, the students’ self-esteem takes a hit.
“When they fall short, even slightly, it doesn’t just feel like a bad result,” she said. “It feels like they are the failure.”
What’s worrying is that this mindset is often learnt early – and reinforced everywhere. From classrooms to conversations at home, and even on social media, students are constantly shown that grades are what matter most.
“Parents are a child’s first role models,” Ngui pointed out. “From young, children learn that making their parents proud is important.” When academic success is emphasised as the main path forward, that message sinks in deeply.
Ngui is careful to point out that this dynamic is not rooted in a lack of love.
“Most parents genuinely want the best for their children,” she said. But when love and approval start to feel tied to performance, the child’s mental wellbeing becomes fragile.
Over time, the effects can run deep. Students may begin to withdraw, lose motivation, adopt irregular eating habits, face exhaustion, have emotional overreactions, or avoid challenges altogether. “The psychological impact can be profound and enduring,” Ngui warned.
Professional support should be sought, she added, if “these signs persist for more than two weeks and interfere with daily functioning”.
But while the pressure is real, it is not unchangeable. Ngui emphasised that one of the most important shifts students can make is learning to separate performance from identity.
“Learn to say, ‘I did poorly on this exam’ rather than, ‘I am stupid’,” Ngui said.
Equally important is self-compassion. “Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend,” Ngui suggested. “Instead of harsh self-criticism, you might say, ‘This is hard right now, and that’s OK. I will try again’.”
Indeed, Ngui explained that when students learn to reframe failure as a stepping stone rather than a stopping point, “they build emotional resilience that serves them far into their futures”.
For parents, she stressed that support starts long before results day. Families that emphasise values like effort, kindness and resilience instead of just grades help build a more stable sense of self-worth in their children.
Simple shifts in conversation can also make a difference. Instead of asking, “Why didn’t you do better?”, parents can ask, “What did you learn?” or “What would you try differently next time?”
Ngui also suggests parents pause before jumping into problem-solving.
“Ask yourself, does your child need help, or do they need a hug?” she said. “More often than not, a hug goes further than any help given.”
Because in the end, the goal is not just to raise high-performing students, but young people who know, deeply and securely, that they are more than their results.