There are, unfortunately, far too many relationships that are plagued by domestic violence. You might wonder: “What makes a partner become abusive?” There isn’t any one answer to this question, and for every abusive individual, there’s usually a combination of factors at play.
Here are some common psychological threads that might be involved when it comes to abusive partners.
Entitlement
Abusive partners often feel entitled to certain things. Whether it’s the right not to be embarrassed, angered or hurt, or to be treated or responded to in a certain way, they will lord their sense of entitlement over their partners to maintain power and influence within the household.
Abusers don’t feel that others have the same rights as they do, or perceive that their rights hold more weight than others. They lash out whenever they feel their entitlement is endangered.
Past trauma
It has been said many times before: “Hurt people hurt people.” Many perpetrators of domestic violence have experienced some type of trauma in the past, by either having been a victim of abuse themselves or having witnessed it firsthand.
Abusive relationships and households have lasting impacts on everyone involved.
Lack of empathy
When most people put themselves in someone else’s shoes, they typically do so with some generosity and grace. But most abusers don’t consider the other person’s position, and will almost always assume the other person is intentionally trying to wrong or injure them. They rarely assume there are other factors at play.
Real empathy will often force people to alter their attitudes, behaviours, actions and words. However, the feigned empathy of abusers will often create reason in their mind to continue their cycle of abuse.
Self-importance
Abusers tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance. They often believe their feelings, lives and needs take priority over that of others.
Abusers will convince themselves that they are indeed taking care of their families or their partners by doing certain things – such as spending a “long, hard day at work” – but this is usually a tool of manipulation they use to bolster their argument for an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
These are just some of the psychology that goes into abusive partners. There are many other factors that go into their minds and actions, but being aware of some of the more common pieces of this puzzle can do a lot to help victims, families, and abusers reconcile their experiences and heal.
Dennis Relojo-Howell is the managing director of Psychreg and host of ‘The DRH Show’. Connect with him on Twitter @dennisr_howell.