Kids fight. Period. Having a fallout is a normal part of a relationship, whether it’s with siblings, classmates, or neighbours.

For parents, it might hurt to watch your children experience pain when they fight with their friends, but before you embark on that rescue mission, remember that these are great opportunities for life lessons.

Instead of protecting your young ones from difficulties in life, equip them instead with the skills needed to overcome obstacles by taking on the roles of listeners, coaches, and cheerleaders. This way, kids will be better able to develop into adults who are able to problem-solve and competently navigate the highs and lows of social relationships.

Remember the golden rule

When emotions are running high, connect and redirect. This effective strategy is outlined in the “New York Times” bestselling book “Whole Brain Child” as a way of helping children cope with emotional conflicts across the ages.

Always start with empathy – deal with big feelings first! Your child is not going to listen to you about why it’s important not to call his friend “stupid” when he is still reeling in anger over being “uninvited” to a party.

Empathise and name the feelings, providing a safe space for your child to express themselves. When the emotional storm blows over and everyone is in the right frame of mind, the real work can begin.

Toddlers and preschoolers

• Refer to a feelings chart

Tiny tots can have big fallouts with their friends, too! Those kiddy tantrums over who gets the green block can give rise to overwhelming emotions

Have a feelings chart stuck up on the fridge, and refer to it anytime to name and discuss feelings to support validation and recognition.

• Roleplay with puppets

Roleplay fights with puppets, or your child’s favourite stuffed toy. Show positive ways on how to handle disagreements, using simple words and expressive gestures. Making it relatable to kids will create positive memories on how best to deal with conflict.

• No-go zone

“Stop, stop, stop, it’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not not not okay to hurt someone.” This cute little jingle by a wonderful television programme for preschoolers called “Daniel Tiger” sums up a foundational friendship rule.

• Don’t treat your child like a victim

Doing so may lead your child to learn to think of themselves as victims. When they take on a victim mentality, it becomes a form of defiance and can be used to avoid being held accountable and taking appropriate responsibility.

This, of course, applies purely to the normal range of (innocent) fallouts with friends. As they get older, do be aware of the signs of bullying taking place, and take immediate action to address this very serious situation.

Primary school-age kids

• Teach problem-solving techniques

Conflict-resolution mechanisms allow kids to employ go-to strategies when experiencing a fallout with friends. Introduce these strategies by walking through the steps together, so they may process these steps independently. Practice makes perfect!

• Use the stoplight strategy

Red: Take deep breaths and think of something calming.
Yellow: Evaluate the problem. Can you handle this on your own? Do you need adult help? Brainstorm ideas with consequences in mind.
Green: Choose a strategy and go for it.

• The ABCD approach

The fundamental steps of problem-solving, known by therapists as ABCD, is super easy for primary school-age kids to remember:

A: Ask, “What is the problem?”
B: Brainstorm solutions.
C: Choose a solution to try out.
D: Do it.

• Teach them to empathise with other kids

There are many fun ways to foster perspective-taking skills so kids are able to understand the other side of the story. This helps them communicate with their peers in a more productive manner, post-disagreement.

Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions, and to own up to their negative behaviours.

• Help your child to understand what they can and cannot control

This is a trickier one, as even adults struggle with control issues! When your hurt and bewildered child comes to you with a friendship issue, it’s a good time to gently introduce the idea of control: that some things are simply not within theirs, and that the only person they can control is themselves.

Here are some questions you can use to show your child they are only in charge of their own actions and responses, and not anyone else’s:

• Can you control what your friend says?
• Can you control who your friend wants to play with today?
• Can you control whether you say something nice, or nasty?

And, most importantly:

• Why don’t we work on some other things that you do have power over, and that you might be able to do instead?

Tweens

• Show faith in your child

The tween years invariably give rise to a more complicated set of friendship problems. Show your tween that you trust them to handle whatever situation they find themselves in, either by reaching out for help, or attempting to deal with fallouts by themselves.

The space you give will be very much appreciated!

• Help your child speak up appropriately

Being assertive and trying to resolve a conflict often requires a careful choice of words – something that is easier for older kids to mindfully construct. Model this through the use of “I” statements, as opposed to “you” statements, which may sound accusatory.

For example: “You left me out” could be replaced by “I am upset because I wasn’t included”.

When it comes to fallouts, the challenge often lies in figuring out when to step in, what level of support to offer, and when to stay out of it altogether.

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This article was written by Elaine Yeoh for makchic, a Malaysian-based online site for chic, curious, and spirited parents. makchic and has been providing trustworthy and authentic family-related content since 2013. For diverse stories of parenthood that inform, support, and uplift all families, visit makchic.com and follow them on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.