Many children grow up with the idea that all they have to do is say “please” and their request will be granted. As they get older, however, they realise there’s nothing magical about this “magic” word – it can even be counterproductive, according to an American study published in Social Psychology Quarterly.
The University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) researchers came to this conclusion after studying the words, facial expressions and behaviours featured in 17 hours of video recordings. These show family members, friends and colleagues discussing and interacting with one another in everyday situations.
It turns out that the word “please” is used less frequently than might be imagined: the academics found that it was only heard in 7% of the videos analysed.
Most of the time, people say it when they anticipate a refusal from the person they’re talking to. One of the recordings shows a woman saying “please” to her husband after asking him several times to sit down at the table, without much success. In another, a man uses the word to try and convince his partner to prepare a meal when she is busy with something else.
Interestingly, children were found to be no more polite – they say “please” just as much as adults, and often in similar contexts.
One of the videos analysed shows a teenage girl using the word as she asks her mother to buy her a new dress. She knows full well that her request is unlikely to be granted, as her mother has already objected in the past.
Insolence, not politeness?
There’s every reason to believe that the word “please” is less about politeness than about the art of persuasion. “Any generic rule – like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ – doesn’t take into account the specific situation and may not always indicate respect or politeness,” said study lead author Andrew Chalfoun.
“It may also not be very effective,” he added. This is because it’s perfectly possible to be disobliging, even disrespectful, towards someone without flouting the elementary rules of good manners.
Passive-aggressive individuals are masters at this: they can push those around them to their limits without breaking the rules of etiquette. For them, saying “please” can be a sign of insolence, not politeness.
That’s why the experts encourage people to be more flexible when it comes to standards of politeness: perhaps, they suggest, these rules shouldn’t be taught too rigidly. “Every community has explicit norms that define what counts as polite or respectful conduct, for example as taught to children or someone new to the community,” Chalfoun noted.
In the future, the researchers wish to determine whether norms of politeness are really respected in everyday life, or whether there are other, more tacit factors that better explain people’s behaviour and interaction.