What began as a loving act of responsibility slowly evolved into something far heavier: a relentless emotional strain that would culminate in a mental health breakdown.
Wong’s parents live in Ipoh, while she resides in Penang with her husband. As her 82-year-old father’s mobility declined and her 78-year-old mother faced mounting health issues, Wong found herself coordinating home care, managing emergencies, and making medical decisions from afar.
The unrelenting pressure led to persistent fatigue, loss of appetite, and emotional withdrawal. Her caregiving journey underscores the often-overlooked emotional toll borne by adult children, especially those navigating care from a distance.
Traditionally, eldercare in Malaysia has been shouldered by families, particularly daughters. But that model is showing strain. With family sizes shrinking, more women joining the workforce, and widespread urban migration, many caregivers find themselves stretched impossibly thin.
A 2018 study revealed that Malaysian women still carry out 63.6% more unpaid care work than men. The cost? Missed promotions, lost income, and deteriorating mental health.
“We keep asking ourselves: who will care for us when we grow old? But maybe the more urgent question is: who’s caring for the caregivers now?” Wong asked.
Carmen Phang considers herself one of the lucky ones. She has supportive siblings and extended family who help care for their 94-year-old mother, battling breast cancer and now living with Phang full-time.
With her daughter grown and independent, Phang has space in her home – but not always in her schedule. Her house is now a revolving door of medical appointments, nurses, and well-meaning visitors.
Privacy is a luxury, and her days are rarely her own.
However, Phang chooses to focus on the positives. “It takes patience, empathy, and lots of understanding,” she said. “But the one-on-one time with my mum has helped restore our relationship.”
Her siblings have stepped up, helping in their own ways, from hospital visits to financial support. Phang’s message to fellow caregivers is simple: “You don’t have to do it alone.”
But too many still do.
When the system fails
Caregiver burnout is real. Consultant psychiatrist Dr Wan Izwin Wan Hassan, who specialises in geriatric psychiatry, sees the emotional toll firsthand.
“These emotions are normal,” she said of the resentment, guilt and loneliness caregivers often feel. “What’s important is acknowledging them and seeking help when needed.”
For Wong, seeking psychiatric help, creative outlets like writing, and pilates became vital in managing her mental health. A Facebook group for caregivers offered advice, solidarity, and eventually connections to other reliable caregivers, easing some logistical burdens.
“I’ve learnt that caregiving isn’t just about looking after someone else,” she reflected. “It’s also about remembering to care for yourself, too.”
These stories offer a glimpse into the personal cost of eldercare – but their experiences also raise a larger question: beyond individual families, how is Malaysia supporting the people who shoulder this vital responsibility?
Don’t miss part two of this story tomorrow.
This article was originally written by Hemala Devaraj for makchic, a Malaysian-based online site for chic, curious, and spirited parents. Since 2013, makchic has been providing trustworthy and authentic family-related content. For diverse stories of parenthood that inform, support and uplift all families, visit makchic.com and follow them on Instagram and Facebook.
Read more makchic stories on FMT Lifestyle here.